There are times, like these past two weeks, when I feel I’m just off. Like everything I say to the clients or do as an escort is not quite on target. It’s not burnout, but an overwhelming distractedness. I feel I am not as observant in sighting clients, or I am not as fluent with the things I say, or I am not asking the right questions. All of the clients manage to park and get into the clinic without incident during these periods, but I feel I can do better. I want to do better.

This morning we had a client and two companions pull to the curb early. I gave them my talk about when the clinic opened, where there was available parking and the difference between orange vests and the antis. They decided to park in the garage a block away from the clinic and I let them know we would come get them when the doors opened.

Usually, I look around and make eye contact with everyone in a vehicle at least once while I am talking. It helps to reassure everyone, but it also allows me to notice whether there are children in the vehicle or something else we need to advise the clients about before they make the trip to the clinic. What I didn’t notice this morning was the wheelchair in the back of the vehicle. I would have given them different directions for parking at the outset if I had noticed it. The block they would have to travel was uneven and difficult to walk on, let alone maneuver a wheelchair forward.

Instead, the clients parked a block away, had to pay for parking and then had to move their vehicle closer to the clinic. I moved my car from in front of the clinic to give them my parking space, but the inconvenience for them was what bothered me.

I feel I can do better. I want to do better.

It hasn’t just been one incident these past two weeks, so I am not chastising myself unnecessarily. There have been clients who escaped notice until they were close to the doors of the clinic. There were cars parked that weren’t approached before the antis were there surrounding the clients. There were words stumbled over with clients and even other escorts. It has been as if I was partially sleepwalking these weeks.

After I got home, I started thinking about what had me so distracted. Lack of sleep? Reading too late? Well, I do that most of the time on a normal basis. Is it burnout? No, I am just as passionate as ever about escorting and following the Points of Unity.

Finally, I think I have the answer. There have been a lot of articles I have been reading these past weeks about the new legislation in Texas, New Mexico, Ohio, Iowa, Mississippi, Georgia, Alabama, Kansas….the list never seems to end. Each day there are new articles about how access to abortion is being eroded in almost all of the states one piece at a time. Cities are even getting into the act with their own proposed restrictions. California seems to be the only state moving towards more access.

These articles take their toll on me. I read about the effects on those seeking abortions in other states, realizing the Zip Code you live in determines how accessible abortion is to you. The phrases, “It’s not fair,” “That’s outrageous,” and “Is there no end?” echo in my mind. Those echo with the determination in me to fight for access even harder. But while I am thinking and/or talking about each new issue, I’m not paying attention to what should be my primary focus: the clients.

I feel I can do better. I want to do better.

My new leaf being turned over this week is to focus more on the clients coming to EMW, read more articles on my state, read fewer Tweets and Facebook entries, read more articles and books for the fun of it (Sci-Fi is my weakness), and to make sure I get a little more sleep.

I can do better. I want to do better.